I’ve changed…

No, really, I have changed. Probably in lots of ways over various periods of time, but for the purposes of this post, the most significant way in which I’ve changed is the way I feel about the egg freezing cycle this time, compared to how I felt about it first time around. Maybe it’s just familiarity breeding, well, not contempt, but certainly a little less respect, or maybe it’s because I’m pretty sure that this is the last time that I’m going to do this, but various things have happened during this cycle which would have completely spun me out on the first one, but I’ve taken in my stride on this one.

Viz, my day 7 scan showed that one follicle was growing very quickly and that there were another four that were a decent size, but this one was way out in front. Apparently this isn’t a good thing – I don’t know if it means that there’s a greater likelihood that there won’t be eggs in the other follicles, but my doctor didn’t look pleased.

Still, she’s happy enough with my blood results and happy enough for the cycle to continue so she can’t be that concerned. She’s upped my dose to 300IU of Gonal-f every day – which when you consider that on my first cycle I was doing 125IU is a pretty big leap. (By the way, the geek in me is totally going to do a post about hormone consumption, cycle length, cost and eggs retrieved when I’ve finished this third cycle, I’m properly itching to spreadsheet it all…) She knows it’s my last cycle and so is prepared to amp things up a bit to get as many eggs as possible.

But, as I was saying, previously, I think I would have worried inordinately – and pointlessly – about this overly large follicle, now I think I just feel much more resigned to it. (I would probably have cried a lot too.) But now I just know There. Is. Nothing. I. Can. Do. About. It. So I just have to trust that the docs know what they’re doing, and hope that I’ll get at the very least one uber egg out of this final cycle.

Then there’s the whole injecting at the wedding thing. And how it didn’t bother me, I found it PROPERLY funny. I think it helps that I’ve got better at injecting and seem less likely to give myself massive bruises, and not being scared of needles in the first place was a definite advantage, but still… Actually I was just about to big myself up for having the self-possession to be able to inject in a public toilet and then I thought “Don’t be a dick, every fucked up junkie in the world can do that.” But seriously, I think I forget how blasé about this I’ve become. It’s not until I’ve been speaking to someone and they’ve said “you have to inject yourself???” that I’ve thought that actually, that is kind of a big deal.

But the thing that made me realise how I no longer seem to think of it as a big deal, is the fact that last night I almost forgot to inject myself. I was working late at home and I remember thinking “Oh, I’ll do it in half an hour” and it wasn’t until I was clearing up and about to go to bed at 11pm – around an hour or so after I planned to do it that I thought “CRap, I haven’t injected.” Of course, you could just say I was being forgetful, but I think it’s much more about how this is no longer preoccupying my every waking thought in the way that it pretty much did for the first cycle. Honestly, I used to wake up and it was the first thing I’d think about it.

And although that seems like quite a small and insignificant shift, I think that’s a useful lesson which I maybe knew before but is particularly useful to have underlined now. Because undoubtedly in the future there will be a whole load of shit I have to deal with – both connected to this and the sort of shit that life throws at you generally. And being able to recognise and acknowledge how my mindset on this particular shit has changed is really valuable. There’s something quite comforting in the knowledge that the thing that was so important and the centre of my world less than six months ago can suddenly slip to a point where I’ve almost forgotten it. I think that’s something I need to remember. And actually when I think about it, that’s a very CBT type way of addressing things. The actual thing that’s happening hasn’t changed, what’s changed is my reaction to it. Zen shit over. Don’t worry, I’ll get my nose out of my navel before the next post.

Oh, by the way, I read this on BuzzFeed and I thought it was fucking excellent. I want her to be my friend.


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