I’m bored of being single. I know this isn’t news. I know you’re probably bored of me being single. But this is where we are. Or at least it’s where I am and I wish I weren’t.

But you know where I’m most bored of being single? At weddings. I can only remember four weddings that I attended with a boyfriend. Four. Of the 30, 40, 50 weddings I’ve been to, four I recall being with a boyfriend.

And, don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that going to a wedding with a boyfriend means that life is a bed of roses. I’ve been the one sat at the wedding, beside my boyfriend, wondering if this is ever going to be us. Wondering if these people have something we don’t, if what we have is this, if it’s enough. (Well clearly the answer to that question became apparent in the fullness of time; clearly those people did have something we didn’t, and whatever we had, it wasn’t enough.)

But, existentialist crises about the state of one’s relationship aside, at least I had someone to be my default dance partner, to do up my zip, to tell me that I looked beautiful, to undo my zip at the end of the night.

And yes, of course, I can do weddings single. It’s not as if I haven’t had enough practise. I can dance with my friends, I can get someone to do up my zip, I can be grateful when a friend tells me I look stunning and isn’t it a pity there aren’t more/any single men there, and, at the end of the night when I’ve been the third or fifth person in a cab home, and I’ve watched the couples disappear off to their respective rooms, I can do the necessary contortions to undo my own zip. I’m just tired of having to.

And this is what worries me about the prospect of being a single parent. If I’m tired of looking after myself, how much more tired am I going to be of looking after myself and someone else?

2 thoughts on “Bored…

  1. Oh lovely,
    I guess this is one respect in which I’ve been lucky in that I’ve never had to go to a wedding. Sadly this is looking like it’ll change soon and the person is a good ten years younger. I look around at couples and think they’re less x, y or z than me how have they managed to find what I want.
    Your recent post on wishing there was someone to take a little of the responsibility after a crappy time of it has really come home to roost for me recently and I sometimes look around and wonder is this it and if so what’s the point? I don’t fancy this feeling of being alone for another 40 years. I just don’t. Quite frankly I’m sick of life and don’t feel that it has much to offer.
    Anyway coming back to your final point I know you’d feel tired of looking after this other person alone, but I believe that you’d adore them so much that it wouldn’t really matter.
    Hang in there darling or as I like to say – keep smiling through gritted teeth,

    • Thank you – as ever – for commenting. And please take your own advice and hang in there. I know what you mean about not wanting another 40 years of this, but I think you genuinely never know – for better or for worse – what might happen. (And I admit I’m impatient and can’t always look so positively on things.) I’m not a fatalist, I do believe we make the best of what we have. But I can look back on things – not necessarily recent past – but further back, and think I was glad I didn’t take that route. I’m hoping we’ll both look back on this time and think it happened for a reason and led us to somewhere we wanted to be in the end xxx

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