I’m back (again)….

It’s almost Easter, which can mean only one thing… actually, no, I can’t. I think I eggshausted all my egg-based puns two years ago. So that’s not why I’m back. I’m back because I’m taking the next step. Or at least preparing to. More putting on my shoes and thinking about lacing them up, rather than actually taking any of your real actual steps as it were…

What I’m trying to say, in a very roundabout way, is that I’ve made an appointment to go back to the clinic to have a load more tests done (actually the same ones I had done about two and a half years ago) and some scans so I can get some sort of idea as to where I stand with this whole fertility thing, and whether, if I want to stand any chance of having a child of my own, it’s something I have to start working on now, or whether it’s something that can wait six months, or a year…

Basically I’m doing what I talked about doing at the end of last year. Because, after months, OK, years, of mulling it over, I think I’m finally where I wanted to be when I wrote this. At this very moment in time, I don’t see attempting to have a child on my own as an admission of failure, I see it as a sensible and pragmatic decision. (But who knows, that could all change tomorrow…)

Anyway, I’m ready for some information. As we’ve established, I’m a statistics junkie, I thrive on data, so I’m booked in to get some more. I’m booked in to find out how my numbers stack up – not just against everyone else’s, but against my own from a couple of years ago. My suspicion is – part based on pragmatism, part based on knowledge of my medical history, part based on some fucked up superstition that if I err on the side of pessimism, I might be pleasantly surprised – that the numbers will suggest I should get a move on.

And then I’ll have more decisions to make – assisted conception? Straight to IVF? Fresh eggs? The frozen ones? How many rounds? Instinctively I feel the need for clarity on all this – after all, how the hell else are you meant to mentally, emotionally and financially prepare for it all?

(Basically I don’t want to get caught up in the craziness of “just one more…” – but then how the hell do you avoid NOT getting caught up in it? It’s like being at an auction and knowing you’ve hit your limit but still wanting to bid… “Just another tenner and it could be mine”…”Just another round of IVF…this might be the one that works…”)

But I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m back because I’m going back to the clinic. I’m back for all the reasons I started this blog – to have a repository for all the madness, tears and darkly comedic lols (“lols” used ironically, obvs); to get things straight in my own head; and, because I’m slightly blundering my way through this and thought vaguely that it might be of use or value to someone in a similar situation (although actually there seem to be loads more blogs about single women getting pregnant on their own than there are blogs about single women freezing their eggs.)

So yeah, I’m back… TBC…



One thought on “I’m back (again)….

  1. This is totally weird, but so much of what I’ve read in your blog is exactly how I felt a few months back, I wish I had found your blog then! So much has changed for me since the beginning of the year( I had a really crap start to the year after a long term relationship came to an end). I started writing my blog http://www.lifeloveandme.co.uk because, just like you I couldn’t find any useful information online. I was single too and at 38 that was pretty bloody scary as i so want children!
    Anyway I’m hoping after freezing my eggs I’ve turned a corner, but if you read some of my posts so far I’m sure you’ll see some similarities. I really wish you all the best:) Sarah.

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