If we’re looking for silver linings — which let’s be honest, we are, because otherwise it’s all one great big shitty grey cloud — phoning the clinic and telling them I was bleeding made them suggest I came in for an earlier blood test. So rather than spending the weekend knowing in my heart of hearts I wasn’t pregnant but having to wait for a blood test on the Monday to confirm it, I had the blood test on the Friday, got confirmation I wasn’t pregnant, and spent the weekend having the odd drink and eating rare burgers because frankly why the fuck not? Silver linings remember.
And if I’m honest the other silver lining of this whole thing has been seeing the true colours of the man I’m dating. In all the best ways. Like I said before, I feel that this isn’t just my story to tell any more. So it would feel like something of a betrayal of him to write about the conversations we’ve had, the plans we’ve made, and the things he said to me. But as I told my friend C, “If I’d been asked to script what I wanted him to say, I don’t think I’d have come up with anything half as good as what he actually said.”
I didn’t think men like him existed. Aside from the fact that he’s cute, funny and can solve crossword clues that I can’t (I mean, seriously, that’s a winning combo right there), there is something quite extraordinary about a man who, five weeks into a relationship, doesn’t walk out the door when a woman tells him she’s trying to get pregnant using IVF with an anonymous donor. There’s something even more extraordinary about a man who is actively supportive of that decision and, when it doesn’t work out, knows exactly what to say in a way that doesn’t sound patronising, platitudinous, or insincere.
There was a time when I wouldn’t have written those last two paragraphs. I’d have worried that it felt like tempting fate. That it would have looked like I was revelling in my good fortune and something was going to swoop in and take it away from me. (OBVIOUSLY I really hope that’s not going to happen.) But I thought it was important to mark the positives. (God knows this blog has had enough negatives to last a while… ) And he is very definitely a positive.
And, I’ve been thinking about him, and us, and IVF — and I am FULLY aware of how trite this next bit sounds — and the fact that I don’t think we’d be together if it weren’t for the IVF. I told him as much the night I told him about the IVF. I told him that for all that I wished things were more straightforward for us, I couldn’t regret the egg freezing, or the IVF, or the gazillions I’ve spent on it, because it’s made me the person I am, who I think is probably a nicer human being than I was before I started all this. (Don’t worry I’m not going to use the word “journey”, I’ve not become that much of a twat.)
I know, I KNOW I am SO not the sort of person who glibly parrots that “everything happens for a reason” and I also know damn well that everyone reconfigures their own personal history in a way that means they can live with themselves and not feel constantly full of longing, regret and remorse — and maybe that’s what I’m doing. But I think there’s something inevitable about what you live through changing your perspective. And if my perspective hadn’t changed in the way it has, I think I could very easily have overlooked, or dismissed a relationship that, whatever happens in the future, is making me very happy right now. But more than that, it’s a relationship that’s forcing me to recalibrate just how much fuckwittery I’ve put up with in the past — and make a vow to never subject myself to that sort of shit in the future.
I’m not riding off into the sunset or anything like that just yet, but I think I am going to take a break for a few months — from the blog, from all things fertility, from doing and not doing things because I worry about how they’ll affect my chances of getting pregnant. CLEARLY, I’m not going to start getting shitfaced every night, and I’m not going to stop taking my Pregnacare Max supplements. I’m not that person, I still want to have a child, I can’t be THAT reckless. But I do want a bit of space from all of this. Time to breathe, to have fun, to — in the words of Bebe Rexha and Florida Georgia Line — see where this thing goes…
After all, if it’s meant to be it’ll be… (well that’s what the song says anyway, and frankly right now I’m as up for putting my faith in country music as anything else.)
So — for now anyway — EggedOn out.
(That was my Obama-style mic drop.)
(I can’t believe I had to explain that.)