… and I have a tonne of draft posts that I started scrawling on my phone and never finished, but quite a lot has happened since July 2022, so for anyone who’s still reading and interested, I thought I’d try to post them, this one is from March 2023…

Things have changed quite a lot since my last post. I can genuinely say I’m enjoying life as a mother. Not all the time, obviously, (and I mistrust anyone who says they do) but as my baby becomes a toddler, with a personality, an infectious giggle and increasing independence, I feel partly as if I’m getting back some of my independence in work, and nights out, but also like we’re getting closer to the tipping point where the aspects that we’ve lost of our pre-baby life are starting to be outweighed by the benefits that we’re gaining from having a child. 

And, perhaps psychotically, now that we’re at a point where things are back on an even keel, we’ve started talking about the possibility of trying for a second. I know, I know, even writing that gives me pause for thought. Not only does seeing a mother with a newborn slightly panic me as it makes me think of those dark early days, but it also feels greedy. We got so lucky with the one we have, it seems like hubris to think that we could dare to try for another. 

The thing is, from very early on, the idea of two was always slightly on my mind. I have a sister, and I have never been more grateful for her than when my parents have been ill in recent years. And I’m 10 years older than my Dad was when I was born. I’d like to think I’m going to stay fit and healthy for a long time to come, but if a child has to shoulder the responsibility of an older or ill parent, I’d like that to be shared if possible. 

And I’d be lying if I said the donor aspect didn’t also come into it. When you have a donor-conceived child, they have a unique genetic makeup – which I know sounds mad as everyone has a unique genetic makeup – but unlike a conventional situation where a child is likely to know a bit about, or have some relationship with both sides of the gene pool, half of that is a mystery. And somehow I felt like a child might feel less alone if they shared that unique combination of genetic inputs with a sibling.

There’s also the fact that, while I know you can’t guarantee that two siblings will get on, having someone to play with in a way that I (sometimes) did with my sister, can be beneficial to both parents and child. I see only children on holiday with their parents begging “play with me” but beyond that I think of the myriad reasons I feel so lucky to have a sibling, and the ways it’s made me a better person. With no disrespect to any of the only children I know.

But then… we got so lucky. We have, as far as we know, a happy, healthy child. I had a fairly straightforward pregnancy, what if we weren’t so lucky this time around? Could we, with all the best intentions, actually make our existing child’s life worse? Might we – if a second child had additional needs – end up piling on extra responsibility rather than sharing it. This might seem like overthinking, but as I’ve mentioned before, you can’t take the route I’ve taken to motherhood and ever assume that everything is going to be fine. You can’t feel secure in the blithe assumption that it will all work out. You’re always dogged by the fact that for so long you were on the wrong side of the statistics…

B and I both swing from pro to anti, not necessarily at the same. And all along, we know that if we weren’t in the hugely fortunate position of having a number of frozen embryos from our amazingly fertile donor’s only cycle. We probably wouldn’t be having this conversation. I’m not sure either of us would have the energy to embark on the search for a donor from scratch – both because of the cost and the time implications – but because they are there well, it almost seems rude not to at least try doesn’t it?

And then I think about embarking on that rollercoaster of emotions – the physical side of injections and hormones never bothered me as much as that breath-holding existence where you’re waiting for the next milestone, but don’t feel you can take anything for granted. – but I don’t want to miss out on my existing child’s life because I’m so consumed with trying to create another hypothetical one.