Time and time and time…. simultaneously like a winged chariot and like a Southern Train (topical reference there — basically read “slower than slow”). Honestly, when I was looking for a quote about time passing slowly (something that would have been slightly more erudite than a Southern Trains reference) I found one attributed to Alice Walker that said:
Time moves slowly but passes quickly
— and that’s kind of how I feel at the moment.
Eliot talked about a life measured out in coffee spoons (The Love Song of J.Alfred Prufrock, do read it if you don’t know it, it’s really quite wonderful.) I feel like mine is currently measured out in scans, and blood tests with interminable waits in between. I feel like I’m constantly waiting for something; a result, the next scan, news about an egg, or an embryo, the start of a new cycle.
And these days and weeks just drag. I honestly keep thinking that I’ve missed appointments and meetings when I haven’t because these weeks feel like months. Yet somehow it’s April, a third of the way through the year, and I’ve only done a single cycle.
I never wanted to wish my life away. I don’t want to be wishing it away. I just wish I knew what the end of all this looked like. And I wish I knew if I were doing this right. Because I don’t want to put my life on hold, so I’m organising the things I’d be doing anyway — the parties, the work trips, the hen dos, holidays, weddings and weekends away — and then I’m trying to fit the cycles in among them.
And I’m worrying that I’m doing it wrong. That if I were serious about all this, I’d just stop doing everything and just concentrate on getting pregnant. And then I worry that maybe I’m not serious about this, maybe I’m not committed to it, maybe that’s why it’s not going to work. And then I think I can’t do it any other way, because doing nothing apart from staying home thinking about getting pregnant (or not getting pregnant) would just stress me out. And that’s not good either.
And meanwhile, all this time is going by, simultaneously at the speed of light and at the speed of glaciers.