So I got the results of the ERA test… and they were normal. Basically my endometrium was receptive on the standard day. I’m not one of the 25 per cent of women who should have their embryo transferred before or after the standard day. And I don’t need to pay £1200 to have another test to narrow down the window of receptivity. Which should make me feel delighted. But weirdly left me feeling rather flat.

I guess I was hoping that this was going to give me The Answer. This was going to tell me why the — ostensibly perfect — 8-cell Grade 1 embryo that they transferred to my ostensibly healthy womb didn’t implant. This was going to be the thing that we did differently on the next cycle which would make it work.

But this hasn’t been The Answer. I mean, yes, it’s ruled out one of many reasons it might not have implanted, which is great. I mean really it is great, knowledge is power and all that. But it still means that apart from the great amorphous, sprawling, cover-all that “it was the embryo” that was the problem, I don’t know what we do differently on the next cycle. And for a control freak like me, that is kind of an issue… I guess what we do differently is that it’s a different embryo. It’s an embryo that might work. And until you put it in, you don’t know.

I mean, I guess you can know. If you had all the money in the world you could do pre-implantation genetic diagnosis to ensure you’re putting in embryos that stand the greatest chance of taking. But I don’t have all the money in the world, and I don’t even know if that would make you feel any better. Is it better for someone to tell you that they’re not putting an embryo back because it’s a shit one and wouldn’t work anyway than for you to find out after two weeks that you’re not pregnant. I guess if you’re rolling in embryos and are playing eeny-meany-miny-mo with them, then it’s worth it, but I’m not exactly ROLLING in embryos.

Really I should be zen about this result. I should be grateful that one of the unknowns is now a known. And actually, you know what, I am. I don’t in any way regret spending that money, and I’m really grateful that I don’t have to spend the same amount again to narrow it down.

But… but… but….I’m just an impatient control freak who wants things to be black and white, and straightforward. And, I guess this is just another of those lessons that is meant to teach me that none of this stuff gives you straight answers that tie up in a neat little bow, because life just isn’t like that.