For various reasons I’ve not seen my pet consultant in a while — she’s been on holiday, she’s been in theatre, she’s been ill — and so the cycle that was cancelled I didn’t see her at all, and so far this cycle I haven’t seen her either. The clinic doesn’t make any guarantees about this, after all it’s a 7-day-a-week operation, you can’t ever guarantee to see the same person each time. But because I have up until now, it’s been a bit weird for me.

I sort of feel dumped and cut adrift even though I know that’s (probably) not the case. I kind of felt she was invested in me because I was one of the first to come back to defrost my eggs, because I was doing it on my own, and it felt more like a collective enterprise with her. So maybe that’s why, irrational as it is, I’ve found it discombobulating to be seeing other consultants even though I’ve tried to rationalise in my own head that it’s fine. Because knowing intellectually that something’s fine doesn’t mean you think it emotionally.

Rationally, I’m not special. I mean, obvs I think I am, but from a medical perspective I’m not. It’s all pretty paint-by-numbers stuff at this stage isn’t it? With no disrespect to any of the consultants and their expertise, at the moment it’s a bit of a flow chart…”Get her in, measure her womb lining, is it thick enough? No. Do we think it can get thicker? Yes. Up the drug dosage (I’m now on 10mg of oestrogen a day, as opposed to the 6mg I was on in the last cancelled cycle) and tell her to come back in a few days” and maybe it’s good to have other eyes on my file, other perspectives on things…

But my acupuncturist pointed out that as I’m doing it on my own, that sort of continuity is perhaps disproportionately important to me. So maybe it’s OK to feel attached to “my” consultant.

So where were we — do you want a catch up? OK then, in brief, because this is dull for me so it must be dull as shit for you: Go in day 2, all looks good, endometrium 2.5mm, get told to take 8mg oestrogen a day, come back day 9. Day 9, endometrium 5.9mm, get told to take 10mg oestrogen a day and come back day 12. Day 12, endometrium 7.2mm, get told to keep taking 10mg and that day 15 will be my day 0 when they’ll defrost the eggs. Day 0, start using progesterone twice daily as well as the oestrogen, get a call to tell me that of the 7 eggs, 5 defrosted successfully. That’s one less than last time. Should I be worried? Who the fuck knows. I know that last time I said I was hoping for 5, but then I got 6 so do I feel a bit crap that this time it’s fewer? Does dropout after defrosting being higher mean that it will be lower after fertilisation. (No, you moron, nothing means anything, remember.)

Right now, right this very minute I’m feeling quite meh about it all. Even though I know tomorrow I’ll get the call telling me how many have fertilised successfully (and I really want it to be 4, but there is nothing I can do right now to change any of this so it will be what it will be, it is what it is…)

I feel weirdly disengaged from it. I mean not so disengaged that I’m not thinking about what I’ll do if I am / am not pregnant when I go on holiday in August. Not so disengaged that I’m thinking about the crash diet I might do before that holiday if I find out I’m not pregnant. (Because I swear I look pregnant right now and maybe it’s the drugs and maybe it’s just me stuffing my face, and I’m TOTALLY fine with looking like that if I actually am (even if I’m only the teeeeniest bit pregnant) but I’m totally NOT if I’m not) — so er yeah, totally disengaged.

I suppose what I’m trying to say is that for better or for worse it doesn’t feel like it did last time. But then it wouldn’t because I know what to expect. But then maybe it should feel freighted with import in a way that the first time didn’t, because if this round doesn’t work out, and I don’t get enough embryos from this round to do another round, it’s IVF from scratch, it’s the really crappy first half of IVF, it’s whatever the opposite of vindication is of my freezing my eggs three years ago, it’s trying to get pregnant with older eggs, it’s more money, more time, more waiting, more limbo.