…and maybe this is why it didn’t feel like last time, maybe this is why I felt disengaged, maybe because on some level, somewhere, I had some inkling that this was going to happen.
Because ‘this’ was the call that I got today, from a stranger that I’d never spoken to before (but more on that in another post, another time) telling me that of the five eggs that had defrosted successfully, only two had fertilised, and those two had fertilised abnormally. One with three pro-nuclei, one with four. They’re meant to have two. Apparently. Who knew? Who knew what pro-nuclei were? I still don’t. It doesn’t really matter.
Because what that means is that I stop taking the oestrogen and the progesterone, because we’re not doing a cycle this month, because there’s no embryo to put in. What that means is that the worries about my endometrium being thick enough were a bit academic, because it has nothing to play host to.
What that means is that I no longer have any frozen eggs that are three years younger than me. What that means is that from three cycles of egg freezing that yielded 14 eggs, I got one viable embryo and I didn’t get pregnant with that one. What that means is that if I want to try to get pregnant I’m going to have to do IVF from scratch. And is it really worth it? I mean if three cycles and 14 eggs from three years ago only got one embryo, doesn’t that suggest to you that my eggs are actually shit? That if they can’t even make fucking embryos, what chance do they have of making a fully-fledged human being with no chromosomal abnormalities?
And I know that people have said to me that it’s a numbers game, and despite all the science it’s a lottery, and that who knows what effect freezing has on those eggs, and you can’t make any decisions until you’ve spoken to the clinic. But, but, but… this wasn’t what I’d expected. I know I said that there was a long way to go before I the transfer but I didn’t actually believe it, not to this extent anyway. In my head I thought the worst case scenario would be a single possibly slightly crappy embryo. I didn’t think I wouldn’t even get that.
I suppose I’m not ready for this bit yet. I’d thought I’d notch up six rounds of IVF (that was my beautiful plan – three frozen, three fresh) before I had to admit defeat, before I called it a day. And yes, I know, I need to talk to the clinic, but my suspicion is that they haven’t got a clue. And that like me they’ll probably say “yes, do a fresh round, see how we go.” And I will, and I’ll probably buy a package of three cycles, because that’s what I always thought I’d do. But although there’s a lot that they can do, the one thing they can’t do is improve the quality of my eggs. They are what they are.
And if they’re shit, is there any point doing IVF at all? I don’t want to be a fucking mug. But equally I can’t not do it, I can’t not jump through the hoops, I’d always rather keep flogging the dead horse, than walk away from a possibility, however faint. I always need to feel that I’ve done everything that I can do.
And that’s why the people who reminded me today that I made that decision to freeze my eggs for the right reasons were right. They were right when they said that if I hadn’t frozen my eggs, if I’d gone through what I’ve gone through this year with fresh eggs, I’d have always wondered “what if…” And I don’t have to do that. Three years ago, I froze my eggs, knowing that I might never have a child from those eggs, but knowing it was a positive step I could take at a time when everything looked really bleak. I don’t regret it. I really don’t, but I didn’t just do it because I wanted to be able to look back with no regrets, I did it because I wanted the possibility of getting pregnant with eggs that were younger than I am. And I don’t have that possibility any more.
And it’s not just that I don’t have that possibility any more, it’s how it played out. If I’d got three decent embryos that hadn’t taken, maybe I’d feel better. Or maybe I’d just feel a different kind of shit. It’s really hard when there’s only one positive outcome and — it seems — an infinite number of negative ones. The odds do rather seem stacked against you.
Anyway, that’s where we are. Where I am. Back to square one. And tonight, right now, I don’t feel disengaged, I feel sad, and angry, and lonely, and resentful, and tired, and just pretty shit.