I don’t usually do this but someone who reads this blog emailed me the other day and said:
Hope you’re ok. You always sound really UP and high-kicking your way through life, but I never know.
And it got me thinking that this blog was meant to be about honesty, and was meant to be about “what it’s really like to freeze your eggs” and what it’s really like is not high kicks and being up the whole time. Even when the egg-freezing bit is over. The truth is that yes, I do have my shit together most of the time, because frankly what other alternative is there? But, just like anyone else, I have days, weeks, where I just want to crawl into my bed and cry about how unfair life is. And most of the time I don’t write about that sort of thing – I don’t think it’s particularly helpful, or informative. But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe sometimes reading that someone is having a shitty time of things makes you feel better – not in a schadenfreude type way, but in a “thank fuck for that, she’s not as intimidatingly together as I thought she was, she’s just like me” type way.
So, although some of the time, I can take a balanced look at things, and realise that in a lot of ways I’m very fortunate, right at this moment, whether it’s cyclical, or due to a particularly fucked up combination of circumstances, I do rather just want to crawl into bed and cry about how unfair life is. Because this is not where I wanted to be in my late 30s, this is not the life I wanted to be living, and while I know that it’s all about balance, and there are things I’m doing now, and things that I have now, that I wouldn’t do or have if, as I’d have liked in my parallel universe, I’d married S and we’d had kids, right now I feel that I’d happily swap the problems I have now, for the problems that that fictitious scenario would no doubt hold.
Because I’m tired. I’m just really tired. I’m tired of still wishing that I was with S, and remembering only the good bits of our relationship. I’m tired of going on dates with guys who don’t excite me. I’m tired of having to deal with family stuff without the support of a boyfriend or a husband. I’m tired of not being in a relationship – I like to have someone else to consider. I’m tired of having to take responsibility for everything in my life, from the car’s MOT, food shopping, paying the cleaner and putting the bins out, to sealing the leaking shower, clearing the garden and doing all the washing. I’m terrified of the fact that if I do try to have a child on my own, I’ll have to go through trying to conceive, any miscarriages, pregnancies, good bits, shit bits, scary bits, boring bits without having another person to lean on who’s as invested in it as I am. I’m tired of thinking there’s something wrong with me because this has ended up being my life.
And I know I have some wonderful friends, and some wonderful family. But it’s not the same.
I basically feel like Charlotte and although I know I can be my own white knight, I know I can save myself, I’m just tired of having to.
2 thoughts on “Self-pitying wallow…”
Just been catching up on your blog. This post and probably everything you write/say strikes such a massive chord with me and I think if I shared openly with my friends too. Those moments when you want to just curl up and have a cry over how sad you are that this is where life has left you strike at odd times. Usually for me it’s triggered by good, plain envy when someone achieves the sort of goal I’d set myself. I know you wrote this post a couple of weeks ago so I hope that this cloud has passed for you.
Something that especially chimes is the being responsible for everything. Most of the time you don’t even think about it. But now and then it would be so lovely to pass the baton on to someone. To give up the burden and have someone to just say “let me look after that for you”. I know we’re meant to be empowered, capable women but sometimes you just want to be taken care of and to take care of someone.
I think that there’s something in the looking around at peers and wondering “what’s wrong with me”? I’ve never really admitted this because it’ll sound and is so mean and hideous. But I sometimes find myself looking at people fatter or less intelligent or less something than me who are obviously married with children and think – how did they manage it and I didn’t? It’s awful to think that way isn’t it?
Anyway I do hope that you’re ok and hanging in there.
Thanks Marie. Yes, yes, yes, I feel everything you say – envy, exhaustion, being a feminist who wants to be looked after sometimes etc etc. And shame about the things that we think that are utterly taboo to say.
Don’t beat yourself up about feeling that way – I put money on the fact that everyone in our situation has felt exactly the same. I know I have – it’s not something I’m particularly proud of but yes, I’ve definitely thought “Seriously? Fucking SERIOUSLY, how am I such a fuck up that XXXXX has managed to have a successful relationship / marriage and I haven’t?”
And yes, thank you, that particular cloud has passed, but I’m pretty sure it will be back at some point. Onwards…. xx