I constantly have two conflicting series of thoughts in my head:
– why should it work first time around?
– well sometimes it does, doesn’t it?
– but you know you were thinking you’d do at least three rounds?
– well yes, but what if you can’t even get three embryos from your eggs?
– you need to stop thinking negatively, one day at a time, remember?
– I know but I need to prepare myself to not fall apart if I’m not pregnant
That cognitive dissonance my friend was talking about. It could drive a person mad. And it is just me — a person. Not two, like most people in this situation. I’m having to be both the mental one and the rational one. The optimistic one and the measured one. The emotional one and the practical one. It’s more than a little exhausting.
I don’t think I’ve ever THOUGHT so much in my whole life, I’m engulfed by these thoughts, they’re all-consuming — it’s why I feel so grateful that I have a really busy week lined up at work next week. Because no, I’m choosing not to believe the bollocks about resting (how could I? Who’s going to bring home the bacon if I don’t?) and am choosing to believe the carry on regardless advice that seems to have medical validity, not least because I actually love my work, it doesn’t stress me out. Unlike this incessant THINKING.
So bring on work, I need the distraction, I need to not be thinking about all this all the time, because actually all the thinking, and the willing, and the worrying, and the panicking that I shouldn’t have gone for a long walk in the cold, and the wondering whether I really feel a bit weird, or abnormally tired and whether that means anything one way or another, is pointless, futile, it won’t change a thing.
It’s about the embryo — the walk, the cold, the worry that my niece sitting on my lap for 45 minutes yesterday could be considered to be a hot water bottle, which I’ve been told to avoid — none of these things matter.
My nurse even said to me when handing over the advice about avoiding certain things “it’s mostly for your peace of mind, after all, embryos sit there for weeks when they’re conceived without people knowing they shouldn’t be having hot baths or saunas, or avoiding certain foods” — so I have to keep in mind that there’s very little, OK, nothing, I can do — positive or negative — that will influence the outcome.
Nothing means anything. One day at a time.