So this is Christmas…

…And I thought I’d give you an update. Quite a long one. It’s not very Christmassy, sorry. There are no babies in mangers. Quite the opposite, in fact. But something happened yesterday that made me want to write again, so here I am.

First the good news. We’re still together. Nearly two years after we first met, we’re still together — living together, buying property together, trying to have a child together.

I’m not going to pretend it’s all hearts and flowers. Enmeshing two lives is never straightforward. Especially when you’re not 25 any more. And to be fair, it’s not me that has taken the brunt of the upheaval. I’m still living in the same house that I’ve been living in for nearly 15 years, surrounded by my friends.

He’s the one who turned his life upside down. Continue reading

Today was a bad day…

And although I sort of thought I knew that it wasn’t going to happen this time, somehow it’s worse to get what seems like a period just six days after the transfer. I know, I know, I always said that nothing means anything and you can, it seems, still get your period and be pregnant. But this hasn’t happened before, and while obviously there’s a fraction of a sliver of me that thinks that might be a positive thing, most of me thinks that, as the clinic nurse told me, “it’s probably your body expelling the lining because it doesn’t need it.” Continue reading

Conflicting thoughts…

I constantly have two conflicting series of thoughts in my head:

– why should it work first time around?

– well sometimes it does, doesn’t it?

– but you know you were thinking you’d do at least three rounds?

– well yes, but what if you can’t even get three embryos from your eggs?

– you need to stop thinking negatively, one day at a time, remember?

– I know but I need to prepare myself to not fall apart if I’m not pregnant

ONE. DAY. AT. A. TIME

That cognitive dissonance my friend was talking about. It could drive a person mad. And it Continue reading