And then there were none…

…and maybe this is why it didn’t feel like last time, maybe this is why I felt disengaged, maybe because on some level, somewhere, I had some inkling that this was going to happen.

Because ‘this’ was the call that I got today, from a stranger that I’d never spoken to before (but more on that in another post, another time) telling me that of the five eggs that had defrosted successfully, Continue reading

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The result…

So I got the results of the ERA test… and they were normal. Basically my endometrium was receptive on the standard day. I’m not one of the 25 per cent of women who should have their embryo transferred before or after the standard day. And I don’t need to pay £1200 to have another test to narrow down the window of receptivity. Which should make me feel delighted. But weirdly left me feeling rather flat.

I guess I was hoping that this was going to give me The Answer. This was going to tell me Continue reading

A very expensive scratch…?

After the biopsy, I was talking to the nurse and I asked whether endometrial scratching was similar. (For those that don’t know — and really, why should you? I certainly didn’t until I embarked on this “journey” — said ironically, OBVS. Also said ironically — an endometrial scratch is a procedure that appears to have some validity in improving IVF outcomes. It is, as it sounds, deliberately scratching the endometrium, or womb lining, which seems to cause an inflammatory response that leads the body to produce various chemicals which may make the endometrium more receptive to an embryo.

Although confusingly it doesn’t help everyone, in fact Continue reading

What are you crying about…?

Approximately four hours after I found out I wasn’t pregnant I went out for dinner with a few friends who were vaguely aware that I was planning to try to get pregnant but who didn’t know the specifics. So I sat down and there were all the “how are yous?” and I was all “fine” and they were all “just fine?” and then I was all floods of tears and snotty nose and “actually no not really I found out four hours ago that my first round of IVF didn’t work and of course it didn’t because when does it ever and obviously I’ll try again but it’s still a bit disappointing” — all before I’d even taken my coat off.

And they were awesome and didn’t tell me, like some people have, Continue reading

Conflicting thoughts…

I constantly have two conflicting series of thoughts in my head:

– why should it work first time around?

– well sometimes it does, doesn’t it?

– but you know you were thinking you’d do at least three rounds?

– well yes, but what if you can’t even get three embryos from your eggs?

– you need to stop thinking negatively, one day at a time, remember?

– I know but I need to prepare myself to not fall apart if I’m not pregnant

ONE. DAY. AT. A. TIME

That cognitive dissonance my friend was talking about. It could drive a person mad. And it Continue reading

The transfer…

I realised that in my last post I rather glossed over that crucially important point when they actually put the one good embryo inside me. Which, rather like my not spending much time thinking about the actual donor, is a little bit weird when you think about it. But then I think my reactions to so many parts of this process are weird — they definitely seem weird to other people.

Various friends asked if I wanted them to come with me for the embryo transfer. I didn’t. Continue reading

I’ve gone quiet…

Sorry.

I just realised, in the same way that I’ve realised in real life, that up until this point I’ve been fine jabbering away about things, but now shit just got real. (I said that ironically, OK? In a pseudo-American accent. Don’t think I’m one of those people who say “shit just got real” in a deadpan way. I’m not.)

Anyway, what I mean by that is that this is all so timed, in that if you ovulate on this day, then your eggs and the sperm are defrosted Continue reading