So you want to be a single mum…?

This is a really short post but I thought it was worth noting some of the advice that I’d been given by the great women that I wrote about in my last post.

One recommended a book called Choosing Single Motherhood which I started reading and then had to stop because it made me cry too much – partly because I realised that I am so NOT unique when it comes to all the things I’ve been worrying about, every single other woman who has thought about this has thought about exactly the same things. But also, partly, because I felt overwhelmed by it all at the time I was reading it, and the possibilities and problems and permutations just fucked with my head. So I stopped reading it but I will go back to it again as it does get rave reviews and I think I was just not really in the right frame of mind when I embarked upon it.

Both of them were also really positive about the Donor Conception Network, and specifically their Solo Mums section, and their workshops — which do sound really sensible and something I’ll definitely think about going to.

More useful info as it happens… Kind of.

It’s been a while…

Bloody months actually – I’m sorry. I never promised regular updates but even by my own  — pretty low — standards, it’s been an abysmally long time since I last posted.

I’d love to tell you that there’s a good reason for that; that I’ve been swept up in some torrid love affair (although, given that I just checked the spelling of “torrid” and found that synonyms include “hot, sweltering, sultry, scorching, boiling, parching, sizzling, roasting, blazing, burning, blistering, tropical, stifling, suffocating, oppressive; dry, arid, barren, parched, waterless, desert”, I’m not sure I’d really want a love affair like that) or that I’d made some momentous decision Continue reading

Bored…

I’m bored of being single. I know this isn’t news. I know you’re probably bored of me being single. But this is where we are. Or at least it’s where I am and I wish I weren’t.

But you know where I’m most bored of being single? At weddings. I can only remember four weddings that I attended with a boyfriend. Four. Of the 30, 40, 50 weddings I’ve been to, four I recall Continue reading

Self-pitying wallow…

I don’t usually do this but someone who reads this blog emailed me the other day and said:

Hope you’re ok. You always sound really UP and high-kicking your way through life, but I never know.

And it got me thinking that this blog was meant to be about honesty, and was meant to be about “what it’s really like to freeze your eggs” and what it’s really like is not high kicks and being up the whole time. Even when the egg-freezing bit is over. The truth is that yes, I do have my shit together most of the time, because frankly what other alternative is there? But, just like anyone else, I have days, weeks, where I just want to crawl into my bed and cry about how unfair life is. And most of the time I don’t write about that sort of thing – I don’t think it’s particularly helpful, or informative. But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe sometimes reading that someone is Continue reading

What am I waiting for?

So I’ve sort of mentioned to a few people that I’m thinking that my birthday next year might be the point at which I accept that maybe, after all, I’m not going to go down the conventional route of meeting someone and having children with them. And that maybe, despite my myriad concerns about going it alone, I might have to resign myself to the fact that if I really want a shot at this motherhood lark – which let’s be honest, I’ve had my doubts about –  I might just have to find myself a donor, and, as Nike might have said, “just fucking do it” – ironically, of course, without Continue reading

Perspective – and weather

Perspective – like hindsight – is a wonderful thing. I’m frequently lacking in it. But then I rather think that we all are. It’s just very easy to get so wrapped up in our own worlds and our own worries, and our own mini dramas that we can’t see anything but that. And I am abso-fucking-lutely not recommending a hierarchy of misery where you make yourself feel like shit because not only have you been dumped or not managed to get pregnant, but you feel like you shouldn’t Continue reading

In a year’s time…

Given that it’s now over a year since my first cycle, and I knew that I had to pay an annual fee for storage of my eggs, I’d started to worry that I hadn’t heard from the clinic. Maybe they’d tried to contact me and I’d missed their calls/deleted their emails/not received their letters… Maybe they’d thrown away my eggs… Obviously, I didn’t worry so much that I actually got in touch with them, because Continue reading

Just do it (or don’t)

When I wrote about not being sure if I even wanted kids (which I totally accept seems a totally out of context post for a blog devoted to freezing eggs, although as egg freezing is about choice, I could probably argue that it’s fine to choose not to do something rather than to do something) I did start to wonder if I’d just spent too long thinking about the whole thing.

Which is ironic. Because when I was in a relationship Continue reading

It

They say it’s just around the corner. But I’ve walked around the block so many times, and turned so many corners, I can’t even begin to imagine that there’s a corner left that I haven’t looked around. Even the corners that led to dark alleys that I didn’t think I wanted to go down, I went round them anyway. Just in case. But it wasn’t there. And the corners that I thought led to dead ends? I checked them too. I’ve turned corners, Continue reading

Do I even want a baby?

It’s days like Saturday that I wonder how much I really want a child. I slept until after 10am because I hadn’t set an alarm because I didn’t have to get up for anything. I spent nearly two hours in the bath watching TV on my iPad because there was nothing else I really needed to do. Last weekend, I went away with some friends. I didn’t have to tell anyone, or arrange anything, or worry about whether I should be spending the money on something else, or saving it.

I don’t take any of these things for granted. How could I? When I’m surrounded by parents who I know will Continue reading